Our Story

My husband, Brandon and I met in Denver, Colorado in 2016. We quickly fell in love and were married a year later. From the beginning, we knew that we wanted to start a family.

About a year later we bought a house and began trying to have a baby. I quickly realized that my cycles were not what most would consider normal. They were long and I wasn’t getting accurate ovulation results. After some research, I decided to call my OBGYN to schedule an appointment. They confirmed my suspicion and I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). The good news was that we now had a clearer path forward and that I would be able to accurately track my cycles with the help of medication.

Four months and two dosage changes later, we found out we were pregnant! We were shocked and ecstatic, over the moon and already completely in love. From here it was a very routine first pregnancy. We set up all of the standard appointments and opted to get the bloodwork done for genetic testing. We found out that we would be having a baby girl and named her RAEGAN GRACE FOSTER. Thankfully, I hardly had any nausea and really felt great throughout other than the normal fatigue and occasionally growing pains. We were getting more and more excited to meet our daughter and talked often about what she would look like, what sports she would play/ or wouldn’t play and what she would be when she grew up.

At our 20 week ultrasound they said that Raegan was measuring ahead of her due date and noticed that one of her kidneys wasn’t dilated like it should be. They told us that it was pretty common and not something to worry about but that we would schedule an additional ultrasound at 28 weeks to check on it again as she got bigger. Most of the time as babies grow and their kidneys mature it goes away on its own. At my 24 week checkup they took my measurement and again mentioned I was measuring ahead of Raegan’s due date.

At 27 weeks + 3 days I started to notice some extra fluid after I would go to the bathroom. It wasn’t a lot, just a small leak and it would only happen after using the bathroom. Being my first pregnancy, I honestly thought it was urine. I was getting bigger and Raegan was sitting on my bladder. I thought that must be what it was. This continued into the next day, but didn’t change or get worse. I still thought nothing of it. I did, however, start feeling uncomfortable at work. My lower back was aching, which wasn’t out of the norm for me, and I just couldn’t find a comfortable seat. Again, I thought, since I was approaching my third trimester it was a “normal” feeling to be generally uncomfortable.

At 27 weeks + 5 days I woke up feeling pretty good, got dressed and went into work. Around lunch time I began feeling uncomfortable again and ended up kneeling at my desk and in a meeting instead of sitting in my chair. I had no pain and nothing to make me think that I was in labor, so I just continued to work until I noticed that the leaking fluid was getting worse. It was happening more frequently and was a slightly larger amount than the previous two days. I began googling information that told me it could be amniotic fluid. This was the moment I knew something could be wrong. I called my husband who agreed that I should call my dr. They wanted to see me to check and make sure everything was ok, so I drove straight there immediately after getting off of the phone. They got me in right away, did a swab test and checked me. I will never forget the words, “I’m so sorry. You are 5cm dilated.”

My dr. told me to go to a different hospital than where we had planned to deliver at because their NICU level care was better. I was so thankful that Brandon was pulling into the parking lot and was able to drive me to the hospital, but the drive was a silent one. We were both terrified, confused and had no idea what was going to happen. We arrived at the hospital about 20 min later. I was admitted, hooked up to the fetal monitor, immediately put on magnesium and given a steroid shot. We were told that the goal was to slow or stop labor and remain at the hospital on bedrest until I was 34 weeks unless an infection presented itself. Every day we could keep her in would give her a better chance.

The next two days were a roller-coaster. The magnesium helped slow and eventually stopped my mild contractions for about 30 hours. We had an ultrasound each morning to evaluate Raegan’s condition and try to understand what happened. We were told that worse case scenario was that Raegan would need to have surgery shortly after birth due to the possibility of her having Tracheoesophageal Fistula and Esophageal Atresia (TEF). This, they thought, could have been the cause of my size. Ultimately, Raegan’s stomach didn’t show a correct amount of fluid, which means the balance was off and I was retaining extra amniotic fluid. My uterus, because of it being stretched, thought that it was go time. Unfortunately, my contractions did start back up but they were so mild that I could barely tell when I was having one and the monitor was having a hard time picking them up. I could only tell that my labor was progressing because I became very uncomfortable again with consistent lower back pain. It had only been barely 50 hours after I was admitted that they were rolling me back to an operating room to deliver our 28 week baby girl!

My water hadn’t fully broken, but I was 10cm dilated. Despite everything, I was excited to meet my girl. To see what she looks like… I had faith… I had hope… and I truly believed that everything would be ok. The full team of drs. for both me and Raegan were in the operating room and the plan was to break my water and deliver vaginally, unless her umbilical cord came out ahead of her with the gush of fluid. I was also at a higher risk of hemorrhaging due to the excess fluid. Plan A went smoothly and after only 30 min of pushing, Raegan was born.

FEBRUARY 23, 2020 - 6:22pm She weighed 2lbs 15oz

She came out eyes wide open, but didn’t make a sound. They put her on the table and as Brandon bounced back and forth between me and her the NICU Drs. worked to stabilize her. She was taken to the NICU while I was taken back to the labor and delivery room I was previously in to recover from the epidural. Once I was able to be moved to a post partum room, they wheeled me to the NICU to meet my daughter. It was so surreal and felt like an out of body experience. I knew that I had given birth to her, but I couldn’t believe that she was here and that she was mine! It was also so extremely intimidating; all of the wires, the sanitizing, the beeping and monitors. Brandon was a natural! He assured me it was ok and instructed me how to place my hands on her tiny body.

The next few days went well. It was comforting knowing that I was just down the hall, around the corner from Raegan. The staff was amazing. They were there for me in the middle of the night and helped me through the steps of pumping and getting my milk to come in without having my baby in my arms. The NICU drs. were also wonderful and answered all of our questions from ‘how often are parents here?’ to ‘what do these numbers mean on the monitor?’ (which I must have asked several times because I could never remember). Raegan was doing great and was slowly weaning off of the ventilator. She didn’t have TEF which meant, no surgery and any causes for the excess fluid were all coming back negative and they ruled out any genetic issues. We were so so thankful and just in awe of our beautiful baby.

Leaving the hospital without her was hard, really hard. We had to go home and trust that she was in the best hands, in the best place for her. We didn’t know what our schedules would look like. How we would manage between home and the NICU. How much time we would really be spending in the hospital. It was challenging knowing I wasn’t just down the hall, around the corner. But as we drove home, tears in our eyes, we had faith… we had hope that everything would be ok.

The next day we drove back to see her in the morning knowing this would be the first day that I would get to hold her. I was so excited and so nervous. There were 2 nurses and the raspatory dr. in the room to help me pick her up, position her on my chest and sit down in a chair. Everyone had a job between watching her tub and head positioning, holding other various cords and wires and making sure the pillow behind my back was in the right spot. Just as I sat down she started brayding (bradycardia), meaning her heart rate kept dropping into a dangerously low zone. They immediately picked her up off of me and put her back on the table. It was very scary, but they figured out that her ventilator tub was in just a cm too far and was hitting the bottom part of her esophagus causing her heartrate to drop. They adjusted everything and we started the process again. This time, successfully! I sat, holding my perfect, newborn, premature baby as Brandon read us a book. I soaked up every second of that hour and a half. Raegan did too! She was so relaxed and knew that her momma was holding her. She knew this is where she was supposed to be.

The following day, we again arrived early in the morning in order to be in her room for the recap and shift change. This is where we got an update on the last 12 hours and could ask questions related to her care, tests that had been taken and see what the plan was for the day. Her dr. told us that she had set off a few alarms and was reacting to the latest change in her ventilator use. They had bumped it back the previous night because she had been doing so well, but this time she didn’t like the change and was struggling. She set off more alarms while we were there that day, so her doctor ordered an additional chest x-ray. It didn’t show anything that worried her doctor but she mentioned that her lungs looked wet. I stood by her incubator that day with my hands on her for 3-4 hours. She was not comfortable, her heartrate was extremely high and they kept having to prick her foot every hour to draw blood to test her blood oxygen levels which were off the whole day. I just wanted her to know that I was there. I was trying to comfort her the best I could through a plastic box. I wanted to just pick her up and hold her, but I couldn’t. I was hoping to hold her again, but was told that I wouldn’t be able to because of her current condition. Brandon and I left the hospital that evening hesitantly and called twice to check in on her blood oxygen levels which didn’t seem to be improving.

The next morning we were woken by banging on our front door around 6:30am. It was Jefferson County police telling us that St. Joe’s was trying to get ahold of us! Frantically, we threw clothes on and ran out the door as fast as we could calling the hospital as we got in the car, knowing deep down something was terribly wrong. When we got ahold of the nurse on her NICU floor she told us the news we were never prepared to hear. Her little heart stopped beating and they tried everything they could, but “she died”. Our world came shattering down. At 6:25am on February 29th, 2020 just 5-1/2 days after she was born into this world, she was gone. My parents had come into town when they found out I was in the hospital and ended up driving us to go see our daughter for the last time. Neither of us were capable of driving and were terrified walking into the hospital to see our baby, knowing we would never bring her home.

We spent half of the day there taking turns holding her, kissing her and staring at her beautiful face trying to memorize every detail. Instead of preparing her nursery, we made arrangements to cremate her and planned a memorial hike for a small group of family that could come. The days, weeks and months that followed were a blur, but I couldn’t have gotten through any of it without my husband. We have lived through a parent’s worst nightmare, something that defies the natural order of life and our grief journey will continue as long as we are here on this earth without her.

We have clung to each other and our faith in God Almighty, believing that one day we will be reunited with Raegan in Heaven.